by Melody
Part I: Chibi Relena's Breach of Etiquette
"Heero, will you marry me?"
Heero shifted his eyes to look at her; he was sure that he had heard her right, but he was appalled by her question. He didn't respond.
"Not now, of course," Relena added quickly. "I mean when we're growed up."
Still no response.
"Here," Relena put something into his hand, "you can give me this for now."
Heero opened his hand and could only stare at the plastic ring Relena had given him.
"An' then you can save your 'llowance an' buy me a great big diamond ring when ya save 'nough money," Relena happily instructed him.
"Relena, you can't perpose to Heero," Trowa told her.
"The boy's s'posed to perpose to the girl," Duo added. "Ev'rybody knows THAT."
Wufei crossed his arms and stared suspiciously at Relena. "Well, 'cept for femernists--THEY perpose to guys," he said with unhidden contempt.
"An' you don't wanna be one a THOSE--Melody wouldn't like that AT ALL,"
"Why not?" Relena challenged stubbornly.
"'Cause femernists are mean to men an' say bad things to 'em too," Trowa answered.
"Like what?"
"They call 'em 'chaufferist pigs' an' stuff, just for doin' nice things for 'em like openin' doors for 'em," Quatre explained. "An' Melody don't 'llow name-callin'--you know that."
"What's a 'chaufferist pig'?" Duo asked.
"Some kind of pig, of course," Wufei answered impatiently. 'Sometimes Duo asks the dumbest questions," he thought.
"Well! How do ya know that stuff?"
"We saw it the other night on TV," Trowa answered.
"Yeah. It was called, 'Women's Lib'ration: A Hist'ry of Femernism in 'Merica'," Quatre added.
"Maybe you're makin' that stuff up," Relena said with well-founded suspicion, "'cause I didn't see it."
"No," Duo defended all of the boys. "It was on when you an' Heero was grounded from TV last week when you didn't r'spect Heero's pers'nal space and then he--"
"I 'member now," Relena said crossly. "Let's talk 'bout somethin' else."
“I got a idea. Let’s go ask Treize ‘bout this,” Trowa suggested. “He should know.”
”Yeah,”
The chibis all trooped up the stairs to Treize’s bedroom and Duo banged on the door. “Hey, Treize, you in there?” he shouted. “You’re not sleepin’ are ya?”
Fortunately, he wasn’t.
“Treize, will you ‘splain to Relena that girls aren’t s’posed to perpose t’ guys?'' Wufei got straight to the point as soon as Treize opened the door.
“Yeah—Relena wants t’ be a femernist lib’rationer,” Duo added helpfully.
They all stood around Treize’s desk and waited for him to ‘put Relena in her place.’
“The proper way for a couple to become engaged is this,” Treize addressed Relena. ”First they must fall in love—“
“I already done that.”
Treize looked patiently at the little girl. “BOTH of you must fall in love.”
“Well, I’ll just MAKE him love me.”
Treize ignored this declaration because he knew it would be useless to try to argue the point with her.
“Then you date each other for a long time so you will get to know each other better.”
“We already know each other, so we don’t hafta worry ‘bout that part.” Relena dismissed Treize’s sound advice without a second thought. “When do we get to the perposin’ an’ the diamond ring part?”
“After you’ve gotten to know each other well and think you might be happily married.”
“Oh, I’D be happy,” Relena assured him. “An’ I’d make sure HE was happy too.” This statement sounded more like a threat than a promise.
“Then the man usually buys an engagement ring.”
“With a great big diamond in it,” Relena interrupted, with her hands clasped hopefully and stars in her eyes.
Treize continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “And then he surprises the woman by giving her the ring and proposing marriage.”
”How come it’s a surprise when they already talked ‘bout gettin’ married?”
“An’ then she says ‘yes’ an’ then they are ingaged an’ then she buys a be-you-ti-ful white weddin’ dress with lotsa lace an’ ruffles an’ bows an’ a long white veil an’ then she gets some roses to carry at the church an’ then they get married,” Relena rapidly filled in the rest.
“Something like that,” Treize said.
“So tell Relena that she can’t perpose to Heero ‘cause then she’s a FEMERNIST,” Wufei instructed Treize.
Treize turned back to Relena. “Traditionally, the man proposes to the woman. But it’s not unheard of for a woman to propose marriage to a man—“
”'Cause she’s one a them FEMERNISTS,”
”…but that is not traditional. And being in keeping with tradition is always the proper thing to do.”
”So she can’t perpose to Heero, right?”
“No, it would not be the proper thing for her to do,” Treize said with finality.
“SEE—we TOLD ya!” Duo declared triumphantly.
Relena looked miffed, but Heero actually smiled.
"Hi, cupcake," Relena said in her most pleasant voice.
Duo looked around, then pointed across the family room at Heero, who was sitting on the couch, reading. "Heero's over there--ya walked right past him when ya came in here."
"I know, honeypie," she said coyly. "I don't wanna give these to Heero." She smiled brightly. "I made some brownies an' they are JUST FOR YOU."
"Are you feelin' okay?" Duo was baffled; he eyed her suspiciously. "You should have Melody take your tempercher. You must be delirium or somethin'."
"I'm JUST FINE," Relena said somewhat crossly. "Can't I bake ya somethin' without you gettin' all weird 'bout it?"
"I'M not the weird one here," Duo declared defensively. "It's you, with your 'honeypies' an' 'cupcakes' that's botherin' me."
"Will you just play along?" Relena whispered harshly. "I'm tryin' to make Heero be jealous like they do on TV."
"Jealous? Of what?"
"YOU." Relena hissed. "Then HE'LL like ME."
"If you don't leave me 'lone, I'll tell Melody you was tryin' to be a femernist today," Duo threatened.
"You wouldn't!" Relena was shocked and angry.
"AN' I'll tell her that ya perposed t' Heero, too," Duo threatened further.
Relena took her brownies, spun on her heel and left in a huff.
"Boy, Melody oughta stop Relena from watchin' programs like that," Duo grumbled to himself. "It's dang'rous. She's gettin' t' be REAL STRANGE." He looked across the room at Heero, who was only pretending to read now. "An' YOU can wipe that smirk off yer face or I'll come over there an' do it for ya!"
~Standard disclaimer~ The author does not claim ownership of Gundam Wing nor any of its characters, including the adorable chibis. >_< Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Sotsu Agency and TV Asahi.
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